Real Love

This post is not about what you think it is....just stick around.

I am of the opinion that real true love is God. I know lots of others who believe the same thing and others who say it but don't show it, sadly. But anyway I have chosen men over that deep abiding love God offers me way too many times. Over the last three years I have learned so much about myself and the kind of person God wants me to be. I know that I want to have a life that I look back on and feel proud of and that God would say well done. What is my life to that right now! I can look back on times in my life and say I feel fulfilled to God's calling but right now that desire is bigger than anything else. I want to be fulfilled in God's plan. What that is right now...I have no idea! I know moving is part of it for sure. I hope the people in my life are too because I truly treasure every person even if I don't know them well. God has placed each person in my life for a reason and I will put my heart into each friendship if He calls me to it. My prayers are that God works through me and finds me worthy to further His Kingdom.

Suuurrriously...

I'm in a mood today...not sure why but I just feel down.

I was thinking about my life and unfortunately compared it to others around me and feel like I'm not worth people's time. My love language is quality time and I feel like my social life falls short of that, college was so easy to get my fill. Don't get me wrong I like my alone time and wouldn't trade it but there is only so much alone time I can do before the loneliness gets in the way. I have prayed, my parents have prayed, my best friend have prayed for fellowship...and I have a few wonderful girl friends. However I need more than that, I want people who will spontaneously go on road trips or jump on a plane to go somewhere, I want friends who will make me a priority and not just wait for me to say something...I'm so tired from aching for want of relationships. I am happy being single and seeing how I've grown and changed, not that I wouldn't welcome dates but mostly I just want people who will show me they love me and that they want to know me. I can talk to others till I'm blue in the face but nobody gets it. When will He provide more?!

Hmmm I think I just need to find a way to be at peace with myself and who God has made me to be.

Putting my thoughts into words for healing...

I am a deep thinker.

I think constantly and sometimes I'm not really sure how I got to the opinion I have arrived at. It’s a bit chaotic in my head at times but it all makes sense. I am open about how I feel, not in a mean way but in a way that I feel does not beat around the proverbial bush. I almost wish others could or would think as deeply as I do or at the very least speak their minds so there isn't any guessing. But in all my thinking I grow and when is growth ever a bad thing; yes even in the painful growing moments its good.

I appreciate my thoughtful mind because it brings an understanding of what God wanted me to learn. All this brings me to the last two years of my life...a long time to think about and a lot of things happened. Two years ago when I thought about my life and where I wanted to be, I thought or rather wished and prayed I'd be married to my "prince charming," working as missionaries, traveling, etc; basically the all American dream. Sometimes it didn't matter who he was only that I was attracted to him and he respected me...mmm yea not enough as it turns out to build anything on. Just under a year and a half ago I started to date a guy who showed me on first impression that he was worth the effort and was willing to lay it out on the line to win my heart. I remember a month or so into the relationship he told me he wasn't a good guy and that I deserved better.... At the time I was still maturing in myself and learning about relationships but I wasn't in a place to wait to fall in love with him before I saw his heart. So I just brushed off the comment chalking it up to insecurities from his past baggage.

All the dreams, time, love, planning could not have prepared me for how it turned out. A year in I discovered a betrayal; looking back it utterly broke the relationship and the rose colored glasses I'd held so tightly to shattered. But I put on a brave face and let it go with stipulations. I was so stupid or rather choose to be ignorant of the truth because I was so afraid I would never find a man who would want me the way he did. Honestly it hurts to even think how crazy it is to think I was afraid of a better relationship because really anything was better then what happened.

Not only did he betray me once, it happened again while I was on my dream vacation in Italy. Sometimes I think about where I was when the second betrayal happened and it makes the moments in beautiful Italy a little less bright. (How could I let someone who didn't deserve to hold my hand or say I love you to me make my dreams dull?!!) Again stupid woman! And oh gosh, I still held on but it was basically broken beyond repair from that incident on. My eyes were open and I saw so much truth that God had tried to help me see out of love. All I can do is shake my head in shame because God knew and I knew, and I heard God tell me to protect my heart and that He has something better for me, much better! I don't even mean a future relationship, I mean in general. It took me four more months of lies and reality to really sink in and for me to finally break free of the relationship. While it was one of the most painful human interactions I have had, life literally got brighter days after.

Now four and a half months later, how faithful is our God!

Relevant tangent: I was just randomly reading through some old journals and came across some surprising wise words that I wrote and am now taking to heart as if someone else said it...

Sometimes God puts things in our world to teach us and if we don't listen when he says it's time to let go, we can be our own worst enemy. The good thing about faith is God also knows how to help us through our pain. We just need to rest in His comfort with everything that He has to offer and not run from the pain; because running will hurt worse in the end.

I have faced the pain of what he did and worked through the bitterness that could have overtaken my opinion of any future guy...it still hurts that a guy who wanted to marry me could think he was offering all of who he was, only to tell me later he wasn't because he was too afraid of what might happen if he let his heart go.

Well I choose life over the fear of being hurt. Hurt is not going away and why should it, when we hurt we are humbled and for me, come crawling to the feet of Him who catches every tear. I am of the opinion that too many people would rather stay safe from hurt then step out in faith (myself included at times) in many ways but in particular where love is concerned. But why?!! When God has so much to offer even in the daily things we go through.

My best friend once was told her “man picker” was off…yep its true; a humbling revelation for sure. I look back on my less than desirable romantic life and its evidence that my picker isn't even functioning. So why is it so hard to step out in faith letting God pick even just guys to go on dates with, let alone marry!? For that matter, why is it so hard to just live my life separate from constant belief that a man will make my life!? How empty my life will be if I don’t change the mind-set now and live my life striving for God’s design for my life; yes even if that doesn't include a man (ouch). Maybe that’s my biggest fear, giving up the deepest desire that I long for with every fiber of my being for the One who can be my longing and fulfillment every single moment for the rest of my life. Easier said than done….

I know God asks us to leave it to Him because He knows best. I have tried, miserably tried, in vain to find a good man who will cherish my heart through God’s eyes. And this coming from a control freak...but I want to be a person who just lets...everything disappear because God has it taken care of. And really all I have to do is wake up, step out in faith, loving others and living my life to the fullest.

I do know that I am different because I will choose God daily over loving a man less than worthy.

I know I am loved.

I know I am beautiful; yep inside and out; and more so because of God inside.

I know I will have a full, missional life.

Today my prayer is that my steps; even if it’s just a little step; will bring an open faith to God’s design.